reznikolai | I N B O X

[ She's left a surprisingly neatly-written note, slipped under his door. ]

ℑ 𝔯𝔢𝔮𝔲𝔦𝔯𝔢 𝔶𝔬𝔲𝔯 𝔭𝔯𝔢𝔰𝔢𝔫𝔠𝔢 𝔫𝔢𝔞𝔯 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔣𝔬𝔯𝔢𝔰𝔱𝔰 𝔴𝔥𝔢𝔫 𝔶𝔬𝔲 𝔞𝔯𝔢 𝔴𝔢𝔩𝔩 𝔢𝔫𝔬𝔲𝔤𝔥 𝔱𝔬 𝔱𝔯𝔞𝔳𝔢𝔩.

- 𝔊𝔴𝔢𝔫𝔥𝔴𝔶𝔣𝔞𝔯

[He does follow her strange and rather vague directions, but en route to Emerald Park he gives her a call. This seems a fair compromise given her apparent distaste for the snappy convenience of text messages.]

Good afternoon, Gwenhwyfar. This is Nikolai speaking, if you couldn't already tell from the dulcet tones of my voice.

A point of clarification, regarding your note... Where exactly are we to meet? The forest is so very expansive, after all, that we could both be near the forest and yet stand in completely different places.

[ Gwenhwyfar doesn't have her phone, but Cavall, the dog has it, instead. And for a few minutes, he's running through the forest until Gwenhwyfar catches up with him fairly easily. Doggo in one hand and Gwenhwyfar staring perplexed at the phone. Cavall has somehow managed to turn it on video. Huh.

He's so cheerful and Gwenhwyfar's tone is flat, detached while Cavall hangs helplessly in her other arm. ]

What is the name of that place-

[ She can't remember at the top of her head because she barely comes out of the forests, ]

Outside of Emerald Park. I have a few things for you.

Ah, now that clears everything up! I should be at the gates in ten minutes.

[He may or may not be calling from the back of a cab. What fun! What convenience!]

What's your friend's name?

[ She is so annoyed right now, not like Cavall. ]

His name is Cavall.

[He can hear the annoyance sharpening her words, but he's fairly certain that's just her default state. He has been nothing but amicable and polite...]

Does he get along with other dogs? Ponchik could use more friends to play with.

[What do you mean this wasn't what she wanted to talk to him about?]

[ And here she was trying to be serious. Again. And trying to keep her cool and not snap at poor Nikolai. She waves a hand. ]

Yes, yes, whatever. He'll be fine with or without. He is not my concern right now. You are.

[He is being entirely serious! He can juggle multiple concerns at once, you know. But for Gwenhwyfar's sake, he strikes a more sober tone.]

You're not alone in these concerns. I'm eager to see what you've cooked up, and although I know you'll probably decline my profuse expressions of gratitude, I am grateful.

[A slight pause follows, but not long enough for her to have a chance to respond.]

Well, I'll grant you a few minutes of peace before I make my grand entrance. I'll see you soon, Gwenhwyfar.

[ In the meantime, she places Cavall down, gathering up what she has, and slowly sets off to the front of the park to make herself visible. ]

Suddenly, everyone wants to give me something, Cavall. Tch.

[ Still adjusting to the being treated decently. ]

[As promised, Nikolai arrives at the park gates not long after. Gwenhwyfar is easy to spot, skulking by a tree off to the side of the broad path and the curated landscaping that marks the main entrance to the park. The sight of her hurls him right back to that night. Her hands on her throat and her snarl hanging above him. Her arms cradling him with surprising strength and even more surprising gentleness as she carried him home. And then she had gone without a word, slipping back into the night.

Facing her now, Nikolai realizes that he isn't certain how to be around her. Gwenhwyfar knows his worst secret, and she can understand it better than anyone else. Yet shame and guilt weight heavily on him for the monster's actions that night — for his actions. These twin weights make it difficult to look her in the eye. And perhaps he's overcompensating, willfully continuing to show a bright countenance despite the darkness swelling inside.

Nevertheless, he faces her. His pleasant expression is difficult to read.]

You don't seem a fan of pleasantries, and besides, we got that part out of the way over the phone. So, Gwenhwyfar, what do you have for me today?

[ On the other side, Gwenwhyfar is perched atop a rock, in her barefoot glory. She sticks out like a sore thumb, not just for her pale appearance, but for her style of dress, echoing a different time and place. She had kept her word, carrying a large satchel, snacking on a piece of jerky that she had acquired by... well. She didn't exactly pay for it.

She's a far cry from her stern demeanor on the phone, effortless casual, relaxed in her posture, and Cavall dutifully sitting at her side on the grass.

She watches him approach, politely finishing her bite before she speaks, slipping off the rock and gestures for Cavall to stay.

Sliding the satchel off of her shoulder, Gwenhwyfar speaks like it's a normal business transaction. Gwenhwyfar cuts right to the heart of the issue. ]

I have a small stock of what I made for you. These bottles contain the sap and grounded up pieces of the vines mixed in with them. They're not bitter, the potion tastes like honey.

[ She pulls out a bottle for a visual. ]

I am still monitoring the results of the potion -- so I would like for you to take it during the evening. I will sedate you to some level. But I would like to know how it affects you so that I know whether or not to make adjustments to it.

[ She's not done yet, shifting through the satchel to pull out a linen bag. ]

This, too, is a sedative. Valerian root, chamomile... and a few more herbs that my people have used for a good night's sleep. It's the same I gave to my knight's daughter to help her sleep at night.

[ She doesn't even realize she's referred to Lancelot as "my knight". There is a sense of pride as she ties off the satchel, presenting it to Nikolai in her hands. ]

This all should help you stay still during the evenings. I only ask that you continue to tell me how it works for you so that I know what to do to help you in the future.

[ She pauses and adds- ]

Do not feel ashamed around me.

[Well, her fashion certainly makes a statement.

Nikolai is surprised that she can sense the shame roiling under the surface of his polished exterior. He is not given to wearing his heart on his sleeve. But there might be a certain heaviness in his eyes. A certain hesitation hanging about his falsely confident demeanor. Or perhaps she just knows, having borne this particular shame herself. He purses his lips together before breaking into a self-abasing grin.]

No shame, then. What about mortification? Contrition?

[Before she can get too frustrated with him, he reaches out to take the linen bag she holds out and returns to business.]

Should I take both together?

[It doesn't escape his notice that she says "my knight." An intriguing turn of phrase, considering that knights are sworn to a very particular class of person... But he tucks this scrap of information away for another time.]

[ Mortification? Contrition?

Gwenhwyfar just stares at him, a little confused. She had expressed that he shouldn't feel any shame around her because it is the first feeling she feels when she finds herself after losing control. That, and, the deep self-loathing that follows her, like a shadow.

Jokes in particular don't seem to land on Gwenhwyfar, so his grin is met with a flat expression as she tries to process a response. ]

Uh. [ Well, she'll just... role past that and answer his question, directly. She places her hands on his. ]

You can take both together... should vine potion doesn't sedate or relax you quick enough. The other you can use to at least have a calm afternoon.

[ It's business as usual as far as she's concerned. ]

I do mean it -- I want to know if nothing works. It's still something that will need experimenting and revising.

[He has noticed that jokes fall flat around Gwenhwyfar... But that is hardly a deterrent. Her confusion and bluntness are somewhat endearing in an odd way.]

The monster doesn't usually come out while there's still daylight. [He feels the need to clarify this point. Their afflictions are similar, but there are some key distinctions.] He prefers the dark.

That said, rest assured that I will record detailed notes on the effects of both and pass these on to you.

[In this moment he's struck by how much he misses David and Genya, who would invent the increasingly potent concoctions he used to suppress the monster through the night. He doesn't wish for them to join him here, though, not when Ravka needs them now more than ever.]

[ In these situations where there is a heavy topic, especially ones involving magic, Gwenhwyfar is single-minded, far too focused on the subject. ]

You say he likes the dark...?

[ It piques her morbid curiosity, wondering if that the creature had any demonic elements outside of his appearance. She draws a breath, placing a firm hand over his, innocently meant to be soothing but it may come off as a forceful tug.

She can't control her strength, after all. ]

The point still stands... those herbs are also good for clearing one's mind from worry.

[ It's about the only thing that her people in her time can use for anxiety! ]

Tell me why he prefers the dark. I want to know more.

[ Just because it sounds a little like King Melwas. ]

[Her hand covering his — gloved, as always when he leaves the house — comes as a surprise. But not an unwelcome one. Much like the rest of her, the action is rough around the edges, but despite the sharp tug he can feel the softer intent in her touch. He can feel the gentle pulse of manna spreading from the link of their hands. While she may not be overly fond of him, they do share an undeniable understanding that enables synchrony.]

What's inside of me is a living darkness. It's both a part of me and its own entity with its own will.

[Like a second heartbeat, burrowed deep inside him. Always waiting for a chance to claw its way out and spread its wings.]

My theory is that the monster comes out at night because it becomes easier for it to assert its will over mine when I'm asleep. Like sleepwalking, but with claws and fangs. Now, this next part I'm less certain about... But I believe it also responds to distress. The monster craves conflict.

[ Her hand over his relaxes, as her actions turn from investigative to soothing. She doesn't have the proper words to convey the sympathy, only her touch and the expression on her face.

She understands what it's like, even if a part of her was born to crave chaos and flesh. It's an awful balance that he must maintain... like her. And it's another spell she'll have to research, another source of magic that leaves her wondering who in their right mind could subject two separate men with two terrible spells.

She wishes she could express herself better verbally; he must find it awful, she thinks, that the hands that were once around is neck are holding his as a sign of sympathy. ]

But it is not you.

[ It's a reminder to him and to herself. ]

That is never you. I will do whatever I can to help you, Nikolai, I promise you that much. I don't want you to suffer alone.

[The image of Gwenhwyfar snarling over him, her hands wrapped around his throat, is not one he will soon forget. It was already a confusing, terrifying ordeal, hurtling back into his own consciousness once the monster curled back up. Add to that a half-demon woman tilting toward feral, and the confusion and terror become amplified. In this moment, though, her hand is a source of comfort.

He places his hand over hers, as if making a pact.]

Thank you, Gwenhwyfar. For ensuring that I don't go through this alone.

[Long has he thought that he would tread this path alone, that there were some places nobody, no matter how well-intentioned, could follow him to. But with Gwenhwyfar and Matt helping him, he feels stronger than he has in a long time.]

If there was something I could do for you...

[To help her control the demon blood that takes over her body. This is the part of him that sees a problem and wants to be the one to fix it. He trails off, shaking his head.]

You don't have to suffer alone either, you know.

[ She would still continue to insist that it was only fair that she offers her assistance to Nikolai. Who better to sympathize than someone who struggles with the same problem, like him? Her face and posture are relaxed, a far cry from that night. Even the way she lingers with her hands over his, her heart quietly pouring out to him.

But when he offers help? She closes her eye in quiet defeat, drawing a sigh. Those who she sought for help could handle her, physically. And while Gwenhwyfar could mention manna does help, she feels that Nikolai has to be afraid of her, in some capacity. Revolted. She is what she says she is -- a monster. ]

You may not like hearing this...

[ It's not her intent to sound cold or to brush him off. She will still maintain there is nothing Nikolai or anyone else can do as humans. ]

There is little you can do for me. Only to find yourself some stability. You are my priority, Nikolai as well as the other man I'm helping.

[ Her gaze lingers on him for a moment, schooled into a blank expression, devoid of any emotion. Just the way Myrddin had taught her as a child. Gently, Gwenhwyfar takes her hands back and takes a step back. ]

Should anything become amiss, you know where to look for me.

[A part of him does fear her — or rather, what she would become if she lost control. It's in the same way he fears the dark and the demon curled up in his heart, a fear tethered to helplessness. He despises not being able to do anything about it. He despises that all his efforts can be slashed apart by the monster's talons, that there might be some problems he cannot solve.

Nikolai sees Gwenhwyfar's expression go carefully blank. He knows what a mask looks like, as someone who has worn one for so long. This must be her way of managing the sharp cut of despair: refusing to allow herself to give in, forcing herself to keep reading this narrow and lonely path. Ultimately, the ache in his heart for her is greater than his fear of her. He forces a grin, something he is well practiced in.]

Then I will do my best to not disappoint you, Gwenhwyfar

[Her hands leave his, but he's left with the weight of her gifts. It seems she's ready to bring this meeting to an end, but he feels compelled to add:]

Matt offered to help me practice controlling the monster. If I can learn to maintain my mind while transformed, then the monster will be a threat no more.

[ She reasoned with herself that the pain will eventually come with the territory. A queen cannot think of her own needs -- only that of others. She couldn't ask someone that swore no loyalty to her family or Arthur's crown to help her with something so dangerous that he wasn't prepared for. Nikolai isn't a knight, he doesn't deserve it.

And so, Gwenhwyfar would leave it to Nikolai, still wearing the blank expression, divorced herself from her body and mind while her heart plummeted to deepest pits of darkness. ]

Then do so. [ She thought it was fantastic, really, and refused to show it. Gwenhwyfar turns back with a gentle call to Cavall while she gathers everything up that she had with her. ]

Just make sure next time that I won't be carrying you out like an old mother.

I N B O X

gwen doesn't do texts!!

does she do phone calls?

she has to!!

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