reznikolai | I N B O X

[The image of Gwenhwyfar snarling over him, her hands wrapped around his throat, is not one he will soon forget. It was already a confusing, terrifying ordeal, hurtling back into his own consciousness once the monster curled back up. Add to that a half-demon woman tilting toward feral, and the confusion and terror become amplified. In this moment, though, her hand is a source of comfort.

He places his hand over hers, as if making a pact.]

Thank you, Gwenhwyfar. For ensuring that I don't go through this alone.

[Long has he thought that he would tread this path alone, that there were some places nobody, no matter how well-intentioned, could follow him to. But with Gwenhwyfar and Matt helping him, he feels stronger than he has in a long time.]

If there was something I could do for you...

[To help her control the demon blood that takes over her body. This is the part of him that sees a problem and wants to be the one to fix it. He trails off, shaking his head.]

You don't have to suffer alone either, you know.

[ She would still continue to insist that it was only fair that she offers her assistance to Nikolai. Who better to sympathize than someone who struggles with the same problem, like him? Her face and posture are relaxed, a far cry from that night. Even the way she lingers with her hands over his, her heart quietly pouring out to him.

But when he offers help? She closes her eye in quiet defeat, drawing a sigh. Those who she sought for help could handle her, physically. And while Gwenhwyfar could mention manna does help, she feels that Nikolai has to be afraid of her, in some capacity. Revolted. She is what she says she is -- a monster. ]

You may not like hearing this...

[ It's not her intent to sound cold or to brush him off. She will still maintain there is nothing Nikolai or anyone else can do as humans. ]

There is little you can do for me. Only to find yourself some stability. You are my priority, Nikolai as well as the other man I'm helping.

[ Her gaze lingers on him for a moment, schooled into a blank expression, devoid of any emotion. Just the way Myrddin had taught her as a child. Gently, Gwenhwyfar takes her hands back and takes a step back. ]

Should anything become amiss, you know where to look for me.

[A part of him does fear her — or rather, what she would become if she lost control. It's in the same way he fears the dark and the demon curled up in his heart, a fear tethered to helplessness. He despises not being able to do anything about it. He despises that all his efforts can be slashed apart by the monster's talons, that there might be some problems he cannot solve.

Nikolai sees Gwenhwyfar's expression go carefully blank. He knows what a mask looks like, as someone who has worn one for so long. This must be her way of managing the sharp cut of despair: refusing to allow herself to give in, forcing herself to keep reading this narrow and lonely path. Ultimately, the ache in his heart for her is greater than his fear of her. He forces a grin, something he is well practiced in.]

Then I will do my best to not disappoint you, Gwenhwyfar

[Her hands leave his, but he's left with the weight of her gifts. It seems she's ready to bring this meeting to an end, but he feels compelled to add:]

Matt offered to help me practice controlling the monster. If I can learn to maintain my mind while transformed, then the monster will be a threat no more.

[ She reasoned with herself that the pain will eventually come with the territory. A queen cannot think of her own needs -- only that of others. She couldn't ask someone that swore no loyalty to her family or Arthur's crown to help her with something so dangerous that he wasn't prepared for. Nikolai isn't a knight, he doesn't deserve it.

And so, Gwenhwyfar would leave it to Nikolai, still wearing the blank expression, divorced herself from her body and mind while her heart plummeted to deepest pits of darkness. ]

Then do so. [ She thought it was fantastic, really, and refused to show it. Gwenhwyfar turns back with a gentle call to Cavall while she gathers everything up that she had with her. ]

Just make sure next time that I won't be carrying you out like an old mother.

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