reznikolai | I N B O X

NIKOLAI will succeed
NIKOLAI speaks about RAVKA children
same way husband speaks of mountain children
is how i know.

[even though it’s been more than a year since she has heard that voice properly]

you realize?
tell.

[Oh. Uh.]

It's a little silly...

I had a dream. I was married to Alina, and we were trying to start a family together. It was all we could talk about, all I could think about. Little feet running all over the palace. All the things I'd build for them.

It was nice.

I know I can't have children with her. And maybe I'm not meant to marry someone who will love me.

[He has heard conflicting stories about what the future holds for him, and he isn't sure what to believe. A Shu princess, stranger turned bride. Zoya, whom he trusts, whom he could easily fall in love with if he let himself, but whose heart is guarded by a wall of stone.]

But at least she could make me a father, whoever I make my bride.

[And his children would love him, he hopes. But that's too pathetic to put into words.]

this is not silly.
never would i say so.

[she’s heard some conflicting stories about his marriage, too, but…]

even if you marry stranger
just for country
if NIKOLAI shows love capable through children
is good father
wife will see
surely even if is distant before
will be bridge between.
as long as bride is good mother
she will see
and see that this is way to love NIKOLAI also.

surely.

Well, your bounty of wisdom hasn't let me down yet.

[It's a nice thought. And so little is truly impossible.]

Komatsu really is lucky to have you for her mother.

[What he won't say is that she's everything he wishes his mother could have been when he was a child. Patient and understanding and generous. Warm, like a hearth. But it feels like a strange thing to admit to a woman who he's tumbled...]

[she should just say “thank you”. it’s text, he would just move on, but-]

not today.
not now i am here.

Yes, even when you're here. Because you'll return to her someday, and you'll have even more to give her than you already had.

[gods she hoped so. she prays for it every night, and yet-]

i want
to teach how to read
jinba who can read?
her life will be so better
just this

want to tell her stories
of NIKOLAI
of everyone

Edited 2022-02-22 23:33 (UTC)

See? Even now, you're doing everything you can to give her a good life.

[His thumbs pause over the keys, before he decides to offer:]

You can say no, Konochka. I promise I won't be hurt. But if you don't want to be alone tonight, I could come see you.

You know, if you could use a comet in your orbit. ☄️

[konochka.

there is a small delay, this time, in the messages. thought. before,]

no.

i can not tonight.
tonight should
let i be good wife, good mother
even if is sad.

but tomorrow
tomorrow night if NIKOLAI taught i about sky things
like said before
suns moons COMETS stars ORBITS
i would be made happy.

Tomorrow, then. I'll teach you, and you can teach Komatsu when you go home.

yes

tomorrow.
please.

Of course.

Before I spend the night with you, there's something you should know. I wear gem-bindings when I sleep. Because of the monster. They prevent me from turning.

You'll be safe. If I thought there was even a chance that I could hurt you, I wouldn't stay. I just need you to unlock the bindings in the morning.

Can you do that for me?

[Can you sleep next to me, knowing what's inside me?]

[Konoha has had plenty of people stay the night with her at the barn over the year and some she has lived there... mostly platonic. Guests who have come for dinners that far out in Emerald Park, friends looking to escape the city for a while, visitors kept there by happenings outside...

But Nikolai never had. She'd always just assumed before that he preferred the bed he shared with Alina, his own house, but-]

that is why
NIKOLAI never stays over?
every night?
you become shrieking shadow every night?

[Before she answers his question... She has her own.]

It was never every night. But I never knew when it might happen.

Even now that I've mastered the monster, and I can call it out and send it away on my own terms, I don't want to let my guard down when I sleep. It's a terrifying thing, to lose control of yourself.

[He hesitates. He's afraid to ask. He has to ask.]

Are you afraid?

[It's a terrifying thing. Even though she has only experienced it twice, bad only once, at times when Malachite's moods had forced some of the Gembonded into a feral state...

Only a fool wouldn't be afraid. And Konoha might not be smart, but she's not foolish. And she's not a liar.]

i was afraid.

[When he changed so suddenly in the market during the attack.]

because i did not know it was still NIKOLAI
how much was NIKOLAI
because NIKOLAI did not tell i

so i did not know
is no need to be afraid.

Ah, I do have a gift for spectacle.

I'm sorry again for scaring you. That was why I kept it a secret...I didn't want to scare you away. It turns out that not all of my plans are so brilliant. I should have known you're stronger than that.

I must be running out of secrets to tell you by now.

[Except even as he types this joke, he realizes he hasn't quite run out yet.]

yes.
you should have.

[how many times now have people in Lunatia, in Sumarlok, told her such a thing? they didn’t want to tell her because they didn’t want to scare her, or scare her away.]

i do not keep secret
but there are some things i do not speak of
if there is no need.

i have seen things
heard things
that i think would make even NIKOLAI sick in the heart
i am grateful muchly
for being protected
but not if the cost is secret

NIKOLAI turning into shrieking shadow
this is easy fear
simple fear
i was afraid

but if NIKOLAI says so
i will believe is safe.

It was myself I was trying to protect. I was afraid of losing you if you knew the truth. I've gotten so used to guarding my secrets at all costs that I don't always know how to take down the walls I've built.

But I do trust you, Konoha. I'm grateful that you trust me too. And that you would still be my friend.

[For some levity he adds:]

Is shrieking shadow my new nickname? That's not half as cute as the one I gave you.

then i am sorry
that i ever let NIKOLAI think i would turn away from truth.

[she won’t be able to not feel guilty for that. but.]

i do not want it to be new nickname
no.
no remember?
nickname is NIKOLAI

just NIKOLAI

It wasn't anything you did that made me think that. Most reasonable people wouldn't want anything to do with a man who hides a monster under his skin.

I'm learning that I don't know very many reasonable people. But maybe that's for the best.

Ah, that's right. Just Nikolai has a good ring to it.

i am much reasonable person
much normal
i think

many humans have monster inside
not just human
jinba too, i am sure.
what is mattering
is what the monster does.
and what the man does after.

NIKOLAI
saved i
even though i was scared of.

just NIKOLAI did.

[I am the monster, and the monster is me. But he had used his claws and wings for some good. That had to count for something.]

Thank you.

[What he feels upon reading her message cannot be encompassed by those two paltry words, but they would have to do.]

I needed to hear that.

I'll stop bothering you and let you be a good mother. Tomorrow, though, you'll get no reprieve from me.

you are welcome
NIKOLAI.

[but later, tomorrow, when she has finished her self-imposed duty and allows herself to be selfish again...

another message follows, to respond to no reprieve.

00:04.]

good.

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