reznikolai | I N B O X

I know, you're so modest like that.

[Your Highness, he nearly adds as a joke. But he isn't sure if she wants to brush against that dream they'd walked through together with her children bounding around them.]

But very well. To keep you in the loop, I'm still meeting with Matt once a week to let the monster fly. His wards are sort of like a leash. A long leash.

[ For a moment, Gwenhwyfar worries she's lost sarcasm, just as she often does with Geralt. ]

If that's a joke, it's not very funny.

[ At least he can't see her pout! ]

That's all? Nothing else?

[ Oh, hell, she'll just blurt it out, she'll ask the question that she knows will be obvious enough that she'll know the answer already-- ]

Why did you not say you were a king? Are you hiding from someone?

[He happens to think he's at least amusing, but that's beside the point at the moment. There's a pause on his end of the line before he responds.]

My title is irrelevant here. It's not exactly a secret of the "cross my heart and hope to die" sort, but it isn't something I advertise either.

I might add that you never mentioned your royal aspirations to me either. So we're even, your highness.

Is it truly? You have friends from your world, a woman that clearly cares about you. Surely they are your people, yes? Is that title irrelevant to them? Do you not serve them as much as they serve you?

[ "Why didn't you tell me you were a princess?" she can remember the white-haired Witcher asking her yet again. With Nikolai, she doesn't really seem to recoil. It makes her curious, seeking more answers, and wanting to know a bit more about a king that is not hostile to Briton, for once.

A rarity that is.

To the point Gwenhwyfar, lets a heavy sigh follow that thought. ]

The man I am to marry? He has made several enemies... one of them took me from his banquet hall. And others have held me to anger him.

[ Gwenhwyfar's voice drops -- sh is so unusually timid in her tone. ]

I'm really tired of it, I'm sick of that happening. I feared if someone knew who he was... I would be hurt again.

A king needn't trumpet his title in order to serve his people. Don't you think it would come off as desperately insecure if I reminded everyone of it every chance I got?

[This is meant to be a joke, but he knows she isn't the best at detecting humor.]

I'm sorry that you've had to endure that, Gwenhwyfar. I don't envy a king short on allies and long on enemies. Well, in part because one can't be envious of what they already have.

[ And, of course, Gwenhwyfar takes that very literally. ]

I think that would depend on the situation.

[ After a moment's hesitation, she lets out the sigh she's been holding in. ]

Arthur and I... we have quite a bit in common. Before he ascended the throne, his father was murdered by another king and he took his throne. He grew up as a normal boy, so other kings don't take him as seriously. He's had to do so a few times as a reminder.

[ Even though Nikolai was joking...! ]

I don't think a day will come a king or queen would have to worry about not riling a rival kingdom or empire. I hope you understand when I say that a king... or someone like me? When they have these types of "afflictions", sometimes it's better to know.

[ She knows that's really not a good explanation why she's a little upset and bewildered. Gwenhwyfar does what she rarely does, she admits to her feelings. ]

I don't know... I suppose I was tentative to be in the presence of a sensible king, for once.

A sensible king? Me? Could I get that in writing? Would you be willing to sign it?

[So that he can prance off to Zoya with the proof, of course. Then his airy tone settles into something more serious as his thoughts turn back over what she'd said.]

I also know something of not being taken seriously. I'm the younger son of the previous king, and my whole life I've been followed by the rumor that I'm not actually his son at all. My path to the throne was an upward climb. Winning the trust of the military, the approval of the church, the admiration of the people. My every choice was designed to bring me another step closer.

When I was crowned, I knew the battle was only just beginning. And when the monster reared its ugly head, I thought for the first time that maybe I wasn't meant to win this fight.

[A quiet exhale, contemplating the dark places he has slipped into over the last year or so.]

I suppose what I'm saying is...I understand, Gwenhwyfar. I know what it means to carry the weight of an entire country's hopes on your back.

Edited 2021-12-28 03:21 (UTC)

[ Naturally, Gwenhwyfar takes that very literally. ]

In writing? What for? I may not be a queen yet but I don't see the purpose that a note would have. Actions are enough to prove that.

I haven't seen Arthur in three years.

[ She admits, letting a small sigh pass through her. ]

Tell me... if your betrothed or wife was taken away, would you be able to rescue her quickly? It--

[ It bothers her. So much. No matter how many times Lancelot had assured her that she wasn't forgotten and Melwas had taken her in the worst time possible, he couldn't find her. ]

Never mind.

What a question to ask. With so many unknown variables to consider, how am I to form a proper hypothesis?

[But that's not helpful at all. Okay.]

Even kings are more mortal man than legend. I don't know your Arthur well enough to say if he's a good king or a good man, but I'm certain that he needs you by his side to rule.

[A king and queen of the common people.]

I--

[ Gwenhwyfar stops before she goes off on a tangent. It is a strange question and for once, she's aware of that.

Morgen had said that Arthur had loved her and she had been assured many times that Arthur had not forgotten her. ]

I know.

It's-- have you ever been told something so many times by someone hurting you that you begin to believe it? Part of me... part of me knows it was a lie. Melwas would tell me Arthur forgot me and no matter how many times I cried for him and when I escaped, he wasn't there. It's stupid, I was in a different land, like now, and he wouldn't know where to start.

Kings love their wives, right?

[Ah, Saints...]

The lucky ones do, I suppose.

My mother's husband does.

[ Of course she doesn't like his answer. She may have complicated feelings for her step-father, but she is sure of that. ]

He's always stood up for her and protected her.

[ Don't cry, don't cry! ]

Please don't cry. It's unfair, I'm not even there to do the gentlemanly thing and offer a handkerchief.

[Because this was such a gentlemanly response...]

For all the good my reassurance does...I'm sure he loves you. At the very least, I'm sure he would wholeheartedly prefer that you not get haled away by his enemies.

I don't need a handkerchief.

[ Because Gwenhwyfar is trying her damndest not to cry. ]

Then who's to say you can't find someone who loves you? It- it was irrational thought. I'm an idiot for thinking... anything from that piece of shit was true. I don't need to be consoled.

I'm fine.

[ Just dandy!! ]

If you insist.

[Helpfully, he adds:]

You'll need to get better at hiding your emotions before you become queen.

[ She is actually hurt by that. Gwenhwyfar's voice slips into something soft, defeated. ]

That's not funny.

[Oh no. Oh no. He had hoped that her annoyance would counteract her tears, that she would huff and fling an insult at him, but evidently he's wagered wrong.

A slow, quiet sigh on his end.]

You're right, my comedic timing is terrible.

[And more seriously...]

For what it's worth, I don't say that because I think you'll make a rotten queen.

All of my life, I have been told to bury my feelings.

[ Like as she does now, refusing to cry. ]

Shouldn't a king or queen have some heart? Or passion? How would we better connect to the people we're supposed to help if we stifle ourselves?

Now, I never said that. When your people rejoice, celebrate with them. When they mourn, join in their grief.

But your personal feelings are weapons that can and will be wielded against you. Don't leave them lying around for anyone to pick up. You said your husband — sorry, your husband to be — has plenty of enemies, right?

I know.

[ No thanks to stifling her feelings, she can't put it into words that stifling her feelings has created more problems than solutions. ]

If I hold back... it makes it worse. I can't have it worse.

[ She hopes that Nikolai understands what she means. ]

... He does. And I know it can be used against me. I just don't want it to get worse. I cannot control it if all I do is bury. There is no middle ground, it's either hunger or feel nothing at all.

[He thinks he understands.]

The demon half of your blood, you mean.

Yes. I can control it now with a ring, but if I lose it or turn, all of it will come out.

[Again, a deadlock. Again, he wishes there was something he could do to help.]

Then you break down behind closed doors so that you can hold it together for your people. That's what the weight of a crown means.

I don't know how to do that. The only other person who is one of my kind doesn't suffer from the same affliction and he wouldn't know how to help.

[ Well, it's not the first time she's said it. ]

Sometimes, I wish I wasn't going to be a queen. It all seems like pain and war.

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