reznikolai | I N B O X

I--

[ Gwenhwyfar stops before she goes off on a tangent. It is a strange question and for once, she's aware of that.

Morgen had said that Arthur had loved her and she had been assured many times that Arthur had not forgotten her. ]

I know.

It's-- have you ever been told something so many times by someone hurting you that you begin to believe it? Part of me... part of me knows it was a lie. Melwas would tell me Arthur forgot me and no matter how many times I cried for him and when I escaped, he wasn't there. It's stupid, I was in a different land, like now, and he wouldn't know where to start.

Kings love their wives, right?

[Ah, Saints...]

The lucky ones do, I suppose.

My mother's husband does.

[ Of course she doesn't like his answer. She may have complicated feelings for her step-father, but she is sure of that. ]

He's always stood up for her and protected her.

[ Don't cry, don't cry! ]

Please don't cry. It's unfair, I'm not even there to do the gentlemanly thing and offer a handkerchief.

[Because this was such a gentlemanly response...]

For all the good my reassurance does...I'm sure he loves you. At the very least, I'm sure he would wholeheartedly prefer that you not get haled away by his enemies.

I don't need a handkerchief.

[ Because Gwenhwyfar is trying her damndest not to cry. ]

Then who's to say you can't find someone who loves you? It- it was irrational thought. I'm an idiot for thinking... anything from that piece of shit was true. I don't need to be consoled.

I'm fine.

[ Just dandy!! ]

If you insist.

[Helpfully, he adds:]

You'll need to get better at hiding your emotions before you become queen.

[ She is actually hurt by that. Gwenhwyfar's voice slips into something soft, defeated. ]

That's not funny.

[Oh no. Oh no. He had hoped that her annoyance would counteract her tears, that she would huff and fling an insult at him, but evidently he's wagered wrong.

A slow, quiet sigh on his end.]

You're right, my comedic timing is terrible.

[And more seriously...]

For what it's worth, I don't say that because I think you'll make a rotten queen.

All of my life, I have been told to bury my feelings.

[ Like as she does now, refusing to cry. ]

Shouldn't a king or queen have some heart? Or passion? How would we better connect to the people we're supposed to help if we stifle ourselves?

Now, I never said that. When your people rejoice, celebrate with them. When they mourn, join in their grief.

But your personal feelings are weapons that can and will be wielded against you. Don't leave them lying around for anyone to pick up. You said your husband — sorry, your husband to be — has plenty of enemies, right?

I know.

[ No thanks to stifling her feelings, she can't put it into words that stifling her feelings has created more problems than solutions. ]

If I hold back... it makes it worse. I can't have it worse.

[ She hopes that Nikolai understands what she means. ]

... He does. And I know it can be used against me. I just don't want it to get worse. I cannot control it if all I do is bury. There is no middle ground, it's either hunger or feel nothing at all.

[He thinks he understands.]

The demon half of your blood, you mean.

Yes. I can control it now with a ring, but if I lose it or turn, all of it will come out.

[Again, a deadlock. Again, he wishes there was something he could do to help.]

Then you break down behind closed doors so that you can hold it together for your people. That's what the weight of a crown means.

I don't know how to do that. The only other person who is one of my kind doesn't suffer from the same affliction and he wouldn't know how to help.

[ Well, it's not the first time she's said it. ]

Sometimes, I wish I wasn't going to be a queen. It all seems like pain and war.

It is that, oftentimes. But it's good that you understand that.

[A light scoff.]

My mother thought being queen was about hosting lavish parties and decorating herself with jewels and silks.

I've lived it; I have been in battles more often than not to even have the luxury of fine clothes and doting suitors.

[ Which would explain some of Gwenhwyfar's feral behaviors. ]

I don't care to assume the nature of your kingdom, Nikolai, but that seems... so wrong. My mother rides into battle with her husband, you see, her first priority is to protect our lands from invaders. The only lavish parties to be had are when her knights and soldiers come home from battle. It was the same for my grandfather... The people of Cameliard know such peace and my mother told me that she, too, would know no peace until all of us are safe.

She taught me as much when I was a child.

[He nods, once.]

Then you see precisely why my country has suffered for centuries. It sounds like you learned more about leadership from your mother than I could ever learn from either of my parents. What I learned was in spite of them.

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