reznikolai | I N B O X

[ she considers just ignoring it. and, truthfully, she does. she leaves it alone for a few hours in favor of sitting in the corner of her bedroom she shares with kaz, in the small praying area she's cultivated for herself. mostly to meditate and control her anger. responding with hurt feelings will serve no purpose than to make things worse.

so she ignores it. or, more accurately, mulls it over. but eventually, a few hours later into the evening: ]

That is the problem, Nikolai.
You didn't think how she would feel, not having a choice.
You let yourself think that here, she wouldn't choose you.
Instead, you made that choice for her.

You have no idea how violating that can feel.

[For the first half hour, he's half certain Inej is on her way to chew him out in person.

Then he assumes she has deemed him unworthy of further words. Well. He supposes he's earned it. When she picks up the thread of conversation hours later, he's surprised — but not by the content of the message.]

I know that now.

It was never my intent to take away her choice. I thought I was offering her a choice she couldn't have in Ravka.

She never wanted to be queen.

[ meaningless, really, in the face of what happened. but better than the false dismissal earlier. it leaves less of a poor taste in her mouth. less bitter disappointment, more resigned understanding.

besides, there's a more gnawing thought in the back of her mind. a wrong she's committed, too, even though inej knows it isn't a wrong at all. nor is it a lie, just something she thought to be commonplace. ]

I told her she was dead, Nikolai.

[ it's stupid to feel guilty over something you didn't know, but she does. something she'll find peace with in a few days or so, once she wraps her mind around the idea that sankta alina of the fold is no martyr after all. but it just compounded everything. forget being queen; alina just wanted to live. ]

Saying that it wasn't your intent to remove her choice doesn't change the fact that you did.
So what are you going to do to fix this wrong?
To ensure it never happens again?

How was I supposed to know she thought she'd have to die to destroy the Fold? She never breathed a word to me. If she had, I would have cleared her misunderstanding at once.

Strike that. I'm trying to be penitent here.

[The pause is to contemplate her question. Fixing things is supposed to be his strength, but for once...]

If I'm being truthful (a challenge for me, BTW)...I don't know. She won't talk to me. She doesn't want to see me.

[ a challenge for me. it makes her want to pull her hair out. because why is she bothering with this conversation. it will serve no purpose other than to infuriate her. and, really, she has no business in helping him. nor does he deserve it.

still. she had started the conversation. she may as well finish it. ]

Do you want to know the truth, Nikolai?
Of why I do not trust you, or people like you.

It is because men like you -- men with power -- would rather wear a mask to put yourself ahead than be honest with the people around you.

You will never be able to love someone without removing your armor.

[Right again. He doesn't owe her this part of himself, the window into his personal life. Except he supposes she's already peering in, and he won't do himself any favors by shutting her out. On his side of the screen, he sighs.]

I am trying. To remove my armor. And I'm working against a decade of habits to do so.

You don't have to believe me. You certainly don't have to be impressed. But you want me to be honest, and she wanted me to be honest, so there you have it.

[ something twists in her chest, at reading i am trying. words echoed back at her, the same ones that kaz had told her when she had gotten so frustrated with him, after they kissed. after they fought, and then shared dreams, and then fought again. something had shifted, then. you asked for me without armor, and i'm trying.

now, they are back to being thick as thieves. but how had they gotten to that point? an ultimatum. nearly dying, and then nearly dying again. realizing nothing else mattered so long as they had one another. but inej supposes that they've always just been on the same page, even if they had pretended otherwise. knives drawn, pistols blazing.

so she considers just leaving it at that. but it doesn't feel fair, to accuse nikolai of such a thing and just walk away. so: ]

You are missing the point.
You claim that you do not know what to do next.
The answer is looking in a mirror.
Simply being honest is not enough.

My people do not apologize; we have a saying, mati en sheva yelu.
It means this action will have no echo.
That we will not continue to do harm.

Figure out who you actually are.
Decide what you actually want.
And once you do, you will be able to answer my question.

[As always, the urge to slip behind a blithe remark strikes him. I thought I spend too much time looking the mirror already. Haven't you seen my hair?

But that isn't honesty.]

Then I'll get back to you when I find out.

Thank you, Captain. For looking after her. I'm glad she had somewhere she could go.

[ there's no response for about forty-five minutes. ]

Inej.

I am only doing what any friend would do for me.
She can stay here as long as she would like.

I N B O X

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject