reznikolai | I N B O X

[ a challenge for me. it makes her want to pull her hair out. because why is she bothering with this conversation. it will serve no purpose other than to infuriate her. and, really, she has no business in helping him. nor does he deserve it.

still. she had started the conversation. she may as well finish it. ]

Do you want to know the truth, Nikolai?
Of why I do not trust you, or people like you.

It is because men like you -- men with power -- would rather wear a mask to put yourself ahead than be honest with the people around you.

You will never be able to love someone without removing your armor.

[Right again. He doesn't owe her this part of himself, the window into his personal life. Except he supposes she's already peering in, and he won't do himself any favors by shutting her out. On his side of the screen, he sighs.]

I am trying. To remove my armor. And I'm working against a decade of habits to do so.

You don't have to believe me. You certainly don't have to be impressed. But you want me to be honest, and she wanted me to be honest, so there you have it.

[ something twists in her chest, at reading i am trying. words echoed back at her, the same ones that kaz had told her when she had gotten so frustrated with him, after they kissed. after they fought, and then shared dreams, and then fought again. something had shifted, then. you asked for me without armor, and i'm trying.

now, they are back to being thick as thieves. but how had they gotten to that point? an ultimatum. nearly dying, and then nearly dying again. realizing nothing else mattered so long as they had one another. but inej supposes that they've always just been on the same page, even if they had pretended otherwise. knives drawn, pistols blazing.

so she considers just leaving it at that. but it doesn't feel fair, to accuse nikolai of such a thing and just walk away. so: ]

You are missing the point.
You claim that you do not know what to do next.
The answer is looking in a mirror.
Simply being honest is not enough.

My people do not apologize; we have a saying, mati en sheva yelu.
It means this action will have no echo.
That we will not continue to do harm.

Figure out who you actually are.
Decide what you actually want.
And once you do, you will be able to answer my question.

[As always, the urge to slip behind a blithe remark strikes him. I thought I spend too much time looking the mirror already. Haven't you seen my hair?

But that isn't honesty.]

Then I'll get back to you when I find out.

Thank you, Captain. For looking after her. I'm glad she had somewhere she could go.

[ there's no response for about forty-five minutes. ]

Inej.

I am only doing what any friend would do for me.
She can stay here as long as she would like.

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